marriage lesson on replay

I am beginning to think that I will never have marriage figured out. I know it is beyond new to me, not only in terms of Nick and I still being newlyweds, but because the only examples of "good" marriages I saw while growing up were extremely limited and lived vicariously through the lives of my friends.

I am currently reading a book called, Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy. The book breaks down the areas of spiritual life that could and should be enhanced by the unity of marriage. There is something all together fascinating about what happens to you as a result of the patterns your spouse notices in your behaviors. We are often too blinded by our own sin (or maybe it is easier to ignore when we are single) to recognize the darkest places, habits, and oddities of who we are. This can be evident in who or what we worship, how we lack the ability to truly forgive, the inability to embrace difficulty in order to build character, and the fearfulness of exposing our sin.

I am not sure if this more "holy" behavior was God's intention when He first created woman for man. After all, I seem to realize, at least once a day, how incapable I am of knowing what God has in store for me, let alone all of mankind. Regardless, the generalities of behaviors and thought patterns that the book points out leave me convicted, confessing, and seeking forgiveness in ways I never dared to do before marriage. I praise God for giving me a patient and great communicator as a partner. I couldn't have reached any of these understandings without him.

One of my favorite things (insert sarcasm here) about much of my thought process, is the cycle of telling myself I have no expectations for what I am embarking on, only to realize later once my inner needs (which can be seen as expectations) are not being met, I become hurt, angry, frustrated, or withdraw. I believe we try to convince ourselves that we have no expectations, in hopes that we may not feel disappointment in case things do not go according to plan. I would have to argue that denying expectations is denying the very fact that we are creative, thinking, self-seeking human beings where motive drives us and failure or mistakes help us better understand what we may want to improve. Regardless of how tiny or hidden expectations are, I believe they exist in almost all activities of our lives. Whether or not we choose to express, examine, or invest in them is how they differ.

My issue comes when I fail to dig deeper into what I thought marriage might be like with Nick. After many discussions, I have realized not only what these ideals were, but why and how they were made. I don't know if all women tend to do this, but there is an overwhelming sense of fantasy that exists in my brain. My ideas come about after making a very concrete and visual example in my head with a little outside influence.

I will give you an illustration of how this played itself out in my marriage so far.

Nick and I knew that communication would be extremely difficult as soon as I left for Mongolia. Considering the distance, lack of resources, and both of us feeling loved through the use of words, we decided to set up a private blog where we would write each other as often as possible throughout the week. Nick would update regularly while I would write for weeks at a time on my computer until I could find internet and upload all that I had documented. These updates included everything from daily tasks to spiritual struggles. It was full of confession, experience, longing, honesty, trust, and anticipation. Nick's words about us, marriage, and our future together would stick in my mind for days at a time. They were descriptive and exciting. I loved every one of those posts and am extremely grateful for the time and effort that went into making our communication work as best it could given the circumstances.

The issue came after the "I do". Suddenly, all that was written was not exactly as I envisioned it in my head and I could not figure out why I was so upset for what appeared to be nothing. There was an overwhelming sense of confusion somewhere between what had been happening in our marriage and my disguised expectations. The tiniest details of who I was that thrilled Nick before now seemed mundane and unnoticed. After the wedding and the big move, it started to become more apparent that my expectations were far from being met. Let me say here that I never really discussed my expectations with Nick because they seemed inevitable due to what was written to me. So, I began questioning myself. If he wrote these things to me, why are they not showing up? Have I done something wrong? Is Nick not happy with the decision he made?

For a good month, these thoughts bounced in my head throughout the day. The more I questioned, the more I allowed for my tiniest insecurities to creep in and nip at my heels. It was draining on both of us. Since I didn't spend time trying to figure out what my expectations were, they had freedom to play themselves out in the ugliest of ways. Most commonly, they showed themselves through my words.

I believe the mode in which we hurt those we care about is through the way they perceive love most easily. For Nick, it comes verbally. This can either be when I withhold from speaking to him or when I say the sharp, damaging words that I know will not only catch his attention but make him feel as hurt as I do. Both of which I believe can jeopardize our marriage, destroy the foundation we are trying to build, and most importantly, disobey what God tells us marriage should be.

So often I find myself thinking one-sided. I believe that only my actions have the capability to destroy all that I find beautiful and sacred within my marriage and friendships. What I fail to recognize is that my tongue and the absence of a guard on my mouth can be just as detrimental.

There is a song I have been listening to by Maria Taylor that describes this relationship between words and action. It is called "replay" and incidentally it has been replaying on my headphones for the last 5 days. In the song she says, "the weight of our words is what we don't understand. Or the tasks and the part of every woman and every man."

Within a relationship, especially a marriage, each partner is in charge of doing their part in keeping it revered and helping it grow. I don't believe a marriage can move in any direction without first recognizing the sin that will hinder it from doing so.

As I mentioned before, the book I am reading is helping me understand that regardless of what Nick may or may not be doing, there comes a point where I have to give in to the fact that I can't change him. I cannot force him to see me in a certain way. I can't make him do or say the little things that would leave me breathless and giddy like a schoolgirl before. I can only try to love him into the man and husband that I think he is capable of being, and I do this by trying to be the wife that God calls me to be, the partner Nick deserves, and putting the covenant I made with both of them before any expectations I may have. All of which helps me view Nick not as an opponent, but as a living design to help sharpen and reveal where I lack maturity in living faithfully before God.

learning one lesson at a time,
Kim