prayers and frustrations

So as most of you know i am sure, i love my main man Jesus. Here is just a little bit of what i have been journaling and dealing with this week. It has been quite difficult with my religion out here because it is not accepted. For those of you that believe, I hope you can grasp what i am trying to say. And for those of you that do not conform to religion, enjoy your freedom. because either way you would be screwed in Mongolia. =) here is just a taste of what has been on my heart. i miss and love you all. and i know its long but there are some pictures at the end! yay! xoxoxoxoxoxo
p.s. it is in something that i wrote to nick so if there is mushy stuff that is why. i don't have time to edit it out. sorry. hahaha.


Christianity here in Mongolia has been ruined. I am surrounded by those that hate the name Jesus. It breaks me.

I think of what it must have been like to witness Christ’s death. The thoughts that might have been running through Mary’s head as she watched others mock and crucify this Holy gift. Her son. The One and Only.

Or what it would have been like for Joseph to ask for Christ’s body for burial. How tragic and difficult it would have been to hold the limp shell that once created a sea of life among the walking dead.

Where have we as Christians gotten it wrong? I was sitting at the table over lunch with my host aunt when she recognized the cross that hung from my neck. Her eyes widened and she managed to know enough English to muster up the words, “Jesus?” She immediately followed that with the Mongolian word and sign language for bad. Apparently some missionaries have recently planted themselves in Mongolia (and not just Christians, there are some Mormons and other religions too) in hopes of converting. It is one of the few places left where free religion is fairly new and up for grabs. However, their way of going about it has completely failed. The people here hate them. They literally look at it in disgust, fear, and rage.

So over the bowl of fat and egg soup that lay in front of me, my heart was crushed. This hatred towards Christianity besieges me. I often reference Bonhoeffer and his willingness to die for Christ because I desire with every ounce of my body, his type of commitment, reliance on God, and assurance in faith. Being here is however the first time where I felt that my admiration for martyrdom and my life might collide. My co-workers, trainers, teachers, host families, and the natives here all are bonded by this hatred for Christ.

I, holding my spoon began to shake. My host aunt looks me dead in the eyes and asks again, “Jesus?!” I nodded unable to speak. I finally said, “I am not them. But I am a Christian.” I don’t think she quite got it, so I pointed to myself and said again (this time using the Mongolian word for me) “Bee Christian.” She just starred at me from across the table. It hurt.

I ask again, where have we gotten it wrong? How dare we call ourselves Christ followers but ignore His commandments and fail to mirror His plans of action. The letter of James continues,

“So speak and so act as those who are to be judged by the law of liberty. For judgment will be merciless to one who has shown no mercy; mercy triumphs over judgment.” – 2:12-13

WE ARE NOT HERE TO CONDEMN.

I think of my own transformation. I would never have listened to someone about following ideals when all they do is point out the wrong in my life. They, us, believers- should speak and act in such a way about faith that it opens other’s eyes to their own wrongdoings. Not feed them spoonfuls of guilt. That is not our job. We are here to speak truth. Not to judge. To love. Not to rebuke. To give wisdom. Not to criticize or attack. To plant seeds. Not to rip out others roots and foundation. I desire nations of believers whose actions are equal to what they follow. If we are unable to do that, then we should remove ourselves from the title of Christ follower because then we have made faith about ourselves.

I love the section in Luke 8 where it describes why Jesus spoke in parables. He purposefully gave some crazy story about a Sower and seeds. He did it to catch attention. To perplex. To make others ask questions. Then He left. He only wanted those who were curious enough to follow Him for answers. Those that desired to gain more knowledge. He did not sit around, watch over and point out the decision at hand for each individual. He merely planted seeds and left the growth of those individuals up to God and themselves. Knowledge. Choice. Action or stillness. It’s that simple yet we make it so complex. It is the beauty of faith. Not to shove it down other’s throats until they recent us or the Father. To simply plant and occasionally water. Not to flood the land. Honestly, who are we to play God? We are not supposed to be the burning bush on the hill…but rather, the tiny torches that light the darkened path. Why do we desire to control situations and circumstances? What are we so afraid of letting go? I give it all up. I want nothing of myself.

And so the incredible Word continues,

“Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the GENTLENESS of wisdom.” – 3:13

Gentle. Not strained. Not done out of necessity but voluntarily. Giving others the love, grace, and comfort that Christ gave you. Have you been there? In need? Desperate for something greater? Humankind desires that tenderness. That calmness, kindness, and placidness. Like the healing touch of Christ. We are Him. We asked Him to live in us. Do we get that? Do we get that the life, wisdom, peace, worship and devotion to the Father is alive and well within us? If we don’t, then we don’t deserve to.
How do we find that balance? So often it seems that Christians are either forceful or deny this very idea. They either spoil and taint the name of Christ by judging, hating, and/or pushing their “ideas” onto others…OR, (with my own humility I admit this) become apprehensive of stepping on toes by making it known that you are a believer. As if it were embarrassing to admit that I love Christ. Why? Why would I be more open about sharing my struggles with lust, anger, and the hardships I underwent throughout my childhood than to speak of the deliverance that I received? Where is that balance? I want it. I strive everyday to gain more of it. To plant without uprooting. To be a source but not a dependence to others. To preach with conviction, not criticism. To walk with both wisdom and humility, not arrogance or smugness. We must balance trusting God with taking action. There is a delightful and insightful Islamic motto that says:

“Trust Allah…but tie your camel.”

Lord God,
I pray that our words and actions coexist. Let us show You and each other daily in any way we can. Not only in faith but in friendships, marriages, and conversations with others.

Let Your life flood our veins and let that be enough. Help us let go. Give us humility and conviction. Like Christ, let us speak the truth and allow others make the choice to follow. The same choice You so graciously gave each of us. Be our daily bread. Let us not be afraid to die for our beliefs but to also not persecute others.

I beg of You to give us balance Father. To show us what it means to trust and let go. To give and to receive. To be light and acknowledge the dark. Give us gentle hearts God. Help us fulfill Your law and receive Your promises. Let us go as those before us have gone. Let us not be afraid. Help us trust and walk humbly in the path that you give and guide us down.

I pray that we learn to make the most of each and every situation Father. Let us see your love in everyone. Even those who curse and destroy Your son’s name. It is not our job to criticize those who may or may not be following your commandments. But I do pray for conviction of those who preach with irregularity, violence, and asperity. Forgive them Father and show them what it is that they do. Remind them of Christ’s words and His life of action.

Facilitate us to all give in to You. Help us not let Christ live in us partially. May we release our bodies. Let us merely be the renter and tenants of these outer shells. Let Christ be the landlord. We sell all of our human traits. Let us guide others like fireflies in the night. Let us stand apart without our knowing. Let us show disbelievers that we are not all alike.

I pray for the people in Mongolian and other nations that have had appalling interactions and experiences with those who claim to follow Your Word, God. Help me restore as many perceptions as possible. Use me. Break me. All for Your kingdom. Now and Always.

Let us only act out of love and do everything for the sake of Christ.
Amen.

find joy my friends. i love and miss you all.
xoxoxox,
kimba

here is what my world looks like right now:

my toliet:



mongolian trash service:



my katie tree!!



home:



my language teacher and me:


that's me for now! mwah** i'll be posting as soon as i can!